| My weakness ... |
[Sep. 11th, 2007|04:14 pm] |
As we spoke in person the words 'I don't love her' rose in my mind though the memory of her lingers with me each moment of each day. We speak briefly on the phone and I hear her sadness. She says she has a lot going on - in her life and in her head. I wonder if this is the style of person she is?
She avoids serious conversations though we have had a few. I see glimpses of what is behind her armour and I want to see more. Yet is this my rescuer nature coming through or does she truly behold me?
She is in another state and that makes life difficult. The only moments we get are snatches on the phone and random texts. She is guarded in a way that intriques me. I guard my words in fear of hurting her. She has enough going on in her life.
I'd like to be honest with her. I'd like to hold her. I'd like to wake up with her. But am I willing to wait the time that may be required? She is not ready for so many changes. She clings to what she has knowing no better. I release what I have for the hope of better.
How could such a thing possibly work? |
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| Which are you? |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|01:49 pm] |
PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON
I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their e-mail. Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you. Here goes:
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant .
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime. |
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| The snail ... |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|09:18 pm] |
My mother used to tell me a little story when I was young. Her stories were always interesting because she would put voices on the characters. This story those was a bout a snail - I remember he had a lisp.
The snail wanted to get away. Away from life. Away from his burden. He ran and ran. Yet when he turned to see how far he had gone he discovered that everything that was him, his home, was right there - on his back.
This is true in its reference to life too. We cannot run when the thing we run from is ourselves. |
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| A moment |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|09:06 pm] |
In a moment. In traffic. In a split second. I had a desire. It was to vacate my car. Leave it sitting unmanned in a centre traffic lane. And walk. To where I did not care. I imagined sitting on a grassy knoll. Maybe I would take the guitar that lay in my boot. It would amuse me. Nothing else crossed my mind. Those I love. My work. The money I owe.
In that singular moment, the desire was so intense it felt real. |
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| I see, I touch, I feel ... |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|08:38 pm] |
The tablets are fine. I even remember to take them now. I still see triggers, I feel them. The clouds are a short distance away. My mood is low yet my energy is high. It feels unusual. As if only an umbrella is between me and the clouds.
People ask how I feel. How should I feel? Energetic - yes. Happy - with factors of my life. Depressed - the clouds linger. Mornings are still hard. My daughter is obvioulsy happier. I attempt to be happier with her. I have more energy for her.
I saw the trigger this week. It nestled in my mind and burrowed in. I'm getting closer to picking it. Stopping it. My mind needs to be trained. My mind - its like a grasshopper jumping about yet it nestles with an idea and takes it low. It focuses so hard.
I hate the focus my mind has. I am trying to create a list of things I want to achieve this year - well being impatient I'll try for the first 6 months of this year first. One by one I must tick them off to release my mind. Will it ever be released? |
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| I do not dance ... |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|09:41 pm] |
Our backs were against the pole, the four unwanted. The others, the wretched, danced in front of us. Their maypole ribbons teasing us, brushing past our faces, flaunting the fact that they were dancing and we were mere ribbon holders once they had exhausted their moves. The teacher, their ringleader, stood nearby proud of her achievement.
No one saw the disappointment on my parents face except me. I had followed the rules – attend all the practices or be expelled from the dance. I believed that I had tried my best. I had worked hard. Others did not attend all the practices, some not even a quarter, yet they danced before me.
I was grade four. Nine years old. It was a one off event. The lesson learnt? No matter how hard I tried, no matter if I followed the rules, I was still not good enough. My parents were not rewarded for their effort. And that my excitement was wasted energy.
These were harsh lessons that I carried into adulthood. The niggling fact that I was never good enough. One of the reasons that I never show an abundance of excitement for anything.
I’m fortunate that I realize this. This was not my failure. The teacher failed in her duty. She failed in her follow through. She failed me as a student, as a child. Yet that is okay, she too is just human. So I forgive her. I need to forgive her and release this false perception. My best is good enough. |
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| medication ... |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|04:27 pm] |
Hmmmm, 7 days of medication and nothing new. I know they said it may take a while to kick in. And what was I hoping for? An instant cure? I wish. The hollowness is still there. My only comfort, the only time I do not feel so lonely is when my partner is with me. She has a magic that makes the bad days go away. Yet they also return, especially when I am away from her. Why is that?
Surely a glimpse of paradise is better than none at all? Not much gives me joy ... not really. I move through life as if it is occuring around me. Not to me. I took my daughter to the movies today - Happy Feet. She smiled and laugh and looked teary where necessary. I was bored out of my brains. I recall a boredom when I was young. As a child life bored me. I try to recall a time when it didn't.
My friend Kieran and I used to have fun. We were only tiny. We went to kindy together. We lived across the road from each other. His sister used to boss me around. We used to do sleepovers. I remember being happy with him. Yet his family just moved one day when I was five or six. He was the last person I clicked with.
At kindy I would cry until I could sit next to him. An unhealthy bond? Who knows. |
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| Thank You ... |
[Dec. 9th, 2006|07:53 pm] |
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I seem to be thanking you a lot. You have been there for me to lean on. Doing things when I felt I couldn't. You are wonderful - gorgeous - and amazing. I just hope I do not overuse this, for I am truly thankful for what you are doing for me. I appreciate it immensely. |
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| Me ... |
[Dec. 8th, 2006|09:46 pm] |
I cannot be the person I was a year and a half ago. I hate that person. I cannot be that shell. I cannot live to that expectation. I cannot live beyond that pressure. To return would destroy me.
I am a new person. A better person. I have a new love who I adore. She is my life. The reason for my existance. She does not detract from who I am - who I've become - the person she is compliments the person I need to be. |
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| Responsibility .. |
[Dec. 8th, 2006|09:08 pm] |
When does your responsibility end? Today I have been to immigration for my ex. For some reason I was not as prepared as I normally would be. In general I would have every possible scenario played out in my head. Each would have a suitable response before I even entered a situation. Not today.
My failure to strategise could possibly mean her departure. It saddened me. I am no longer in love or committed to her yet I feel a responsibility. She is here cause of me. Where does my responsibility end?
And why do I feel so bad? Sure I feel unwell today. And I am totally commited and in love with another woman. I am no longer committed to this person. As a friend I care deeply. Is that what hurts? The loss of a friend?
Maybe it is the drenched up old feelings of misery, pressure and expectations. |
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